Arriving at a new place and quickly noticing you don’t belong there can be grueling and scary, especially if you’ve already been looking forward living in this place for a while.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I still love the city of my university. It’s a wonderful place, full of wonderful people and potential adventures awaiting but I didn’t expect being told right after arrival that they were going to kick me out of my temporary home after only two nights which didn’t exactly leave me a lot of time and room to still look for something permanent to live. Yet, I still decided to give it a try and spend hours over hours looking through the websites of estate agencies and accommodations for rent – unfortunately though, all, literally ALL, of the results I had gotten were either way too far, unfurnished, didn’t have any bills included or totally out of my budget.
So I sat back reflecting for a while and came to the conclusion that it eventually was going to be best to just go on a gap year for now, especially since this study year was initially thought of as a time filler until I could apply to another university for an entirely different course that I had only missed the deadline for. I thought to myself: “Of what avail is this one year insight into a BA in business going to be to me if I am going to be homeless (because, yes, I can afford my tuition fees but, let's be really honest here, I can certainly not afford paying 1000GBP or even more for my accommodation only in addition to that)?!
I’m a spontaneous person, hard to get down, but it did frustrate and hurt me having to scrap the idea of studying this course for a year – especially because rejecting an idea once it has taken a hold of me is not usually something that would ever come to my mind.
It’s not actually frustrating and hurtful because I feel sad since I obviously won’t get the chance to study this course, it’s frustrating and hurtful because this experience has made me feel so weak and immature, not capable of managing my life and getting over any obstacles on my own – simply, not ready for adult life.
It completely casted the delusional image I have had of myself as the “independent and always secure and extremely emotionally stable 19-year-old” out of the window while the actual me stayed behind staring into the chaotic and stormy ocean aka. "adult life" watching the wind carry it away until it got out of sight.
Let me tell you, when you spend almost your entire lifetime imagining yourself in a certain position, as a certain person at a certain age and then learn that whatever you have imagined yourself to be isn’t the actual you, then that can be extremely challenging and stressful! And that is the exact situation I’m in at the moment. Right now, I’m actually rather frustrated but once that feeling is gone, I suppose all that will be left is going to be fear of the future. What is gonna happen if the very center, the protagonist, of all your plans, concepts and ideas is suddenly gone? That changes everything. It’s like you’ll have to completely redefine yourself.
I felt like an adult, independent and free, after graduating from high school, leaving the protected environment I've studied in to conquer the world (aka. starting university) and all that suddenly vanished and left the scary actual image of myself: an insecure, naive teenager, totally helpless and with no plans of how actual life works.
See, that’s the big issue if you’ve been pampered all your life because at some point people are gonna stop offering their support, being concerned with your problems and taking care of you 24/7 and that’s when the shock, the realization that the real world is not at all the place where you’ve been living so far, hits you and it hits you with an incredibly relentless brutality leaving no room and time for dreams or castles in the air anymore – Now the problem with this is, no room for dreams also means no room for dreamers and no room for dreamers means no room for me.
So for the coming months, until my actual course at my actual university is going to start it will be my job to “find myself” because, as stupid as this might sound, I’m finally understanding the importance of all this and what people actually mean when they talk about this stuff now!
In a way, I’m even glad I’ve made the experience at this point in time, as there is still time for me to change and find out who and what I actually am.
I think this is a state most dreamers will find themselves in at some point of their lives, it's scary to suddenly 'wake up', not knowing if or when you'll ever be able to dream again, but although this might a gloomy time, it is certainly not a time to throw in the towel! I'm a firm believer that situations like this are supposed to teach us a lesson, and more importantly, that they, like the entire journey we call 'life', are supposed to be made the best out of.
My intention is not to scare any of you who are still about to graduate and start university with this post. All I wanted was to simply tell you my story and recent experiences so that you won’t make the same mistake and wake up one day finding yourself in the same quandary that I’m in at the moment.
So before you start your course/job (or whatever you are going to do after you graduate from high school or college), do some serious self reflection – this might sound ridiculous – but seriously, if you’re not 100% sure of how you are going to manage, live, afford things, arrange your time wisely, etc., think about a way to be 100% sure of all those things. Plan everything in advance, and in addition to that, maybe even develop a plan B just in case so you’ll be prepared if things don’t run as smoothly as you expect them to straight after the motto: "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."
And then, even in the unlikely case of you getting into a situation similar to mine, always keep in mind:
xx ♡ Micky